I've been through a lot in the past year. Struggles with depression, loneliness, resentment, spiritual indifference and even suicidal feelings have dragged me down and put me through a lot of emotional and mental battles.
I think most teenagers go through a stage like this. Maybe it's not as bad as my experience--maybe it's worse. But I know that everyone at one time or another feels unaccepted, inadequate, and invisible. As humans we need interaction, we need
love, and we need it to be tangible.
During the deepest, darkest point of my struggle thus far, I toyed with the idea of suicide. I knew I would never actually go all the way--I wasn't
that miserable--but I almost tried it. The allure of
choice paired with the mystifying idea of an enveloping non-aliveness thrilled me. I had the idea somewhere in the back of my mind that it was wrong, but it was too enticing not to think about.
I've always had a deep sense of empathy. If you describe something to me, I can feel it to the point of actually confusing it with something I've actually experienced. That's why I never did it. I had no need to actually commit suicide--I'd already committed it over and over in my mind. I had felt knives slicing across my wrists and I have collided with a sidewalk in the city more times than I could feel comfortable telling you.
The point of all this is that I am not the choicest of people to talk about what I'm about to talk about. I'm going to talk about it anyway.
People often say that it is tragically beautiful, that it's your choice, that if you know you won't ever have another happy day in your life, it's okay to end it. That if you're not enough, you can choose to be nothing at all.
I've had people I love die. I didn't get to say goodbye to them. It is too painful to explain. None of them committed suicide, but I
lost them.
Now let me tell you something else.
I knew a guy. He's an atheist and he's suicidal. I only ever saw him at a certain scholarship program for teenagers. He was the most pessimistic person I've ever met, but he had an amazing sense of humor and he could make anyone laugh. Everyone he met instantly felt a connection with him--he was brutally honest about his situation and we could relate. The odd thing was that for someone so bitter, pessimistic, and even rude, he was the one who brightened everyone's day with his sardonic comments and teasing.
Everyone loved him. Now, he's graduated and no longer comes to the program. Everyone misses him, and several people have even left because without him, it doesn't really seem worthwhile. I haven't seen him since, but I spend my time praying that he hasn't given in to his suicidal thoughts. Because if he killed himself, not only would God's kingdom have lost a beloved child, but the world in general would be bereft of an amazing person.
He is enough. He is worth more than death. One of my biggest regrets is never telling him that.
My point is,
no matter what you've done, or who has rejected you, you are worth something to someone. Someone is watching you and thinking about how much better you've made their life. And if no human looks at you and sees a beautiful life, God certainly does.
God created you. And He doesn't do things lightly. Don't you think He would have made someone worth the making?
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
(Song of Solomon 8:6)
Please, if you've ever felt like I have; if you've ever wanted to jump off of a ledge or wrap a rope around your neck or take a pocketknife to your veins, please,
please remember the moments someone you barely know has smiled at you; the times they've said something like
what would I do without you or
you made my day.
Please remember that you are a work of art and the Artist can't stop gazing at you. Please know that I'm praying for you, even if I don't know you exist. I want you to know that I know how it feels. I know how tempting it is, how beautiful it looks. You are more beautiful that death, and Christ's love for you is stronger than it.
I love you and am praying for you.
Erin
